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I’m always hungry. I’m super skinny, a model and the biggest foodie you will ever meet.

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I love a freshly leafed ofada rice and hot spicy ayamase stew… and when I say spicy, I mean it in the britico sense of the word – “Iya, I hope say plenty pepper dey there!” I love it when they garnish it with the iru and then when the vegetable is fresh – Lord have mercy!

But yesterday, I had this chronic stomach pain so I went to see my aunty that’s a doctor.

Long story short, I apparently have a gastric ulcer or whatever. My pepper stew days are gone. Even my moi moi days are over – chronic heartburn. So my last few days have been dangerously boring food-wise but it appears I’ve started gaining weight. Can you imagine?

I’ve gotten into eating a lot of plantain. Who knew that there was a whole colour wheel of options from amala to boiled plantain to fried plantain chips (bad for me, by the way) to DODO! The list goes on and on.

It’s tiring though. It feels like I’ve been relegated to 1947 when eba and soup were the go-to. Now, that’s literally what you call staple food.

The plot thickens. I had to go take some tests and apparently there’s something in my DNA that suggests I have a high susceptibility to high blood pressure, diabetes type II and one other thing I can’t really pronounce. So, there’s even a higher block on my food regimen.

A lot of mornings now, if it’s not wheat bread and half a boiled egg, it’s Quaker Oats… without the milk. Yes, you guessed it – I’m lactose intolerant too. I really don’t know what to do.

So yesterday evening, I managed to go to this fruit market and saw all sorts of vegetables and fruits I had never seen before. Some of them were already pre-prepared salads – kale and pasta – yummy (note the sarcasm).

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Have you heard of pomegranate? Why is it so expensive in Nigeria?

It’s been three months now and I’ve got my vitamins and mineral salts up. I’ve been blending juices and smoothies from the most tasteless and ugly of vegetables. Malaria or a sneeze hasn’t even come near me in the slightest. Basically, I’ve never been healthier.

So my boyfriend got worried and decided to book me an appointment with his doctor. I used to have an eternal runny nose so my uppity attitude and clear nose was starting to weird me out. Guess what! My beloved aunty had read me someone else’s diagnosis. I was as healthy as a hummingbird. Now the big question on my mind is – should I go back to my old diet?

Written by John Noble

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